(loud)silence

—- Anastasia Fitria Reigita.

And, sometimes, you can’t fight your own thoughts. Not because you don’t want to, but simply because you can’t.
When that happens, you can only hope the one that you expect to understand gets it.  

That’s all.

I don’t know why but I felt like “cleaning” this tumblog. So I did. Deleted almost 100 posts. Some were reblogs that I don’t understand, now that I look at them, why I rebloged them. Weird. 
The rest were … scribbles from my past that I just don’t want to see anymore. I’m not denying what was part of me - in the form of my past - but I just don’t want to see anything that will remind me of those moments or phases I went through.
Or the people that was in it.
I can’t change anything and that’s enough. 
Everything from one’s past will always going to be something that helps that person to become the person that s/he is today.
Including me. 
So, I’d like to thank the past. And, of course, the people that was a part of it.
The liars, the hypocrites, the opportunists, and the jerks.
:)

Hope karma fucks you in every possible position.

Cheers!

Hm. It’s been 30 days already? This is where I say, ” Time flies … ” while looking outside my window. Or something.
Honestly, I really don’t know what to write for this final day of the - so called - challenge. But because my brain’s empty, it’s quite the opposite.

I woke up today feeling lousy. Maybe because I’m sleep deprived. Maybe because I slept with anger. For an hour or so. My head hurts, gastric issue, and still angry.
Got to office, spent time talking to a few co-workers about our working environment. How it’s been a depressing few months for us. How we have to deal with two or three people that are completely fake.
Which made made me even more angry. Because the reason I was mad last night was because of someone that I consider fake.
I FUCKING HATE FAKE PEOPLE!

They will lie, intimidate, manipulate and stab you from behind.
And I always get the feeling that people like that consider others are stupid. I might not be the prettiest nor the brightest, but don’t ever think that I’m that stupid. Don’t try to pull tricks on me. Because when I find out, I will see you nothing more than a pile of shit. 

To be totally original - so to speak - is impossible. That I know. Sometimes we have to adjust. Like me and my potty mouth have to adjust myself when I’m talking to someone older or someone with a professional relationship with. But I will never fake anything. 
I will never fake my words nor intentions. I will never fake feelings. I’m not going to say things I don’t mean. I’d rather just keep my mouth shut. I don’t expect people to be nice to me all the fucking time. Because I can’t be nice to them all the time. I can always try, but there are days where I failed. 

Don’t wear a “mask”. Don’t pretend to care when you actually don’t give a fuck. Don’t act like you know me well when you obviously don’t.
Don’t play pretend so that you can take what’s mine.
Hypocritical cunt.

Yeah … that’s my anger talking.
Still.

Anyway,
I ended up hanging out with friends. Talked about why I “sounded” upset on Twitter last night with my good friend, Wahyu. I didn’t tell him about how I’m feeling, just explained the “why”.

And now, I just want to be anywhere else but here. At home. My mind is running crazy. My mind is starting to have its own mind again.
I’m feeling lost. 
Upset, scared and sad.

Maybe someone I used to know (sadly) in the past is right. I’m not cut out for stuff like … this. Good stuff. Happy stuff. Never was, never will be. The more I try, the more I fuck things up.

Maybe it’s time for me to stop trying. 

This is what you get when  you ask me to post about anything when my head is all messed  up.

Hehe.

- end of challenge -

Just now. Photo booth. Yeah. I’m shy.

Okay, first of all. I was planning to do this post right after “Day 27”. But then, I toyed around my other tumblog. Changing its theme and shit. And, being the brilliant person that I am, instead of changing that theme, I ended up changing this one. Accidentally of course. Which sucks because I loved my previous theme. But I can’t remember the name of it. So I spent almost two hours browsing through hundreds of themes only to find … nothing. I can feel my brain melting tho’. Ah, fuck.

ANYWAY,

I just feel like rambling about that.

Back to Day 28.

Do I wish for anything at 11:11? I guess so. It’s something I do for fun. Not religiously. It’s not like, I’m waiting for 11:11 every (twice a) day or anything. My friend Rini started doing that at first. Then I found Jason Mraz talking about that in his blog. So, I just - sort of - played along.

I wish for a lot of things. Sometimes I wish for a really cool and expensive camera lens. Sometimes I’ll settle for just a fish eye lens. Sometimes I wish for a Radiohead concert (true fact). Sometimes I wish for an unlimited access to lasagna for the rest of my life. Oh and free too. Sometimes I wish for a shit load of money to be delivered to my front door so I can travel the world with it.
Sometimes, I wish for world peace.

Yeah.
Right.

I’m just soooooooo fucking tired from theme browsing. Really hope I can find the theme I used before. 

:’(

Yes, I know. I was suppose to do this yesterday. Got caught up with work. Deadlines are ALWAYS nice. Not that you would care.

Anyway,

Yeah. I bet you feel like punching me in the face for this.
xD 

Oooh~~
Wouldn’t you like to know?

• A hug.
  As simple as that.
• Spending time with my friends. Laughing ‘til my stomach hurts.
• “Little Manhattan”, “Love Actually”, “Juno”, “10 Things I Hate About You”, “Before Sunset”, “Before Sunrise”, “Dead Poet Society” and “Great Expectations”.
  These movies, I just … can’t get enough of them. And yes, they make me feel warm and fuzzy every single time I watch them.
• FRIENDS.
  As in the tv show. Especially the last season. :’)
  
   
• Adhitia Sofyan, Ingrid Michaelson, Sara Barreiles, Sarah McLachlan, Melissa Etheridge, Andrea Bocelli, John Mayer, Erykah Badu, Jason Mraz, U2 and Coldplay.
  Their songs, their voices, their words. 
• Receiving mails.
  
  
  
  As in something that you actually send with a stamp or two. Fuck technology. Mails are the best. Reading something that is handwritten is far more personal. Always.
• Photographs.
• Spending time with Pete.
  Yeah, yeah, I know. It’s lame. But true.
• Feedbacks.
  Whether it’s for the photos I took, the stuff I wrote. 
• Animals.
  Except for reptiles. I’m sorry, I can’t stand ‘em. Snakes especially. They’re just … EWWWWW!

The end.